Let’s say you go to a restaurant. You’re starving and have been fantasizing about a juicy steak all day. You scan the menu, but it turns out, it’s a vegetarian restaurant. There’s no meat listed and you’re sad and disappointed.

Do you think it would be strange if you returned to that same restaurant every single night, mouth watering for beef only to find out again and again that it is not available?

Would it be reasonable to demand that the restaurant owners serve you the meal that you desire regardless of what they are offering and become angry if they don’t?
This is how I have been thinking about relationships in my life lately - and I’ve been passing on this wisdom to so many of my coaching clients this week.

I find that one of the biggest causes of suffering is when we yearn for what is simply not being offered. We’d never show up at the restaurant that way - we’d simply go to a different restaurant- yet I find that with the people we love we can fall into this pattern.

In my view, radical self-responsibility for our own happiness and well-being in this context means:
- communicating needs and desires clearly
- assessing whether or not the person we are relating to is willing to meet that need
- making an empowered choice to work with what is available or choose to direct our time, attention and energy elsewhere

This is an important component of relationship design and puts us in the driver’s seat in a powerful way.

I’m already noticing a huge shift in myself since I started orienting my energy towards the right menu options. I’m hoping this framing is helpful to you.
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May your choices at the right restaurant be both delicious and fulfilling, social fam.

Chronic Illness, Trauma, Healing 


I’m inspired to reflect a bit today since I’ve reached the 5 year mark of my diagnosis with Lyme disease. If you’re sensitive to the topics I list above, now’s a good time to stop reading.


It took some months in 2018 to discover that my auto-immune symptoms were linked to Complex PTSD. Before Lyme symptoms hit like a tsunami, I’d already had a clue for some time that healing work was necessary and yoga and the buddhist path were foundational in providing me with down-regulation tools and developing the skill of being able to witness my own mind. 


At one point, a western psychologist I went to briefly had me make a list in her office and we came up with at least 20 separate experiences I’d had that qualified as capital-T Trauma. At the time, I thought I needed to work on processing the experience of my husband’s two year brutal fight with leukemia and his tragic death.  As it turned out, my work uncovered much more material, including years of abuse by a now deceased orthodontist who would incapacitate me with high doses of nitrous oxide during visits.


This is just one example of a memory that was locked  in my subconscious mind. When I finally recalled it during a myofascial session, it made sense that the chronic pain in my jaw, issues with my teeth, and my always contentious relationship with every dentist thereafter had been informed by this particular trauma.


People are usually surprised to learn about the extent of the stuff that’s happened to me because I present as high functioning and achieving. The nexus of my survival strategy has historically been the power of my inner fire. That’s looked outwardly like fearlessness and grit on good days. During less skillful moments it’s been destructive, with many people having been burned by the very fire my mind carefully designed to protect me. I’m at the point in my path where the work is sorting,  grieving through, and letting go of old identities. That also involves letting go of relationships with people that are clinging to old versions of me. Really, really rough work - this healing path. 


I realize now how perfect the Lyme was/is as a catalyst to healing and finding a deeper sense of meaning in my life. The last three years especially have been an intense magic carpet ride of  transformation work using psychedelics, shamanism, body work, sacred s e x u a l i t y and other cathartic healing methodology. I can’t believe the people I have met world-wide, everything I have learned and how I have integrated it into my life. It’s been a huge gift to be in touch with my soul and to have a clarity on what my soul purpose is. It’s also been thrilling to see the impact that my own work has made on my ability to support the clients I work with. I hate the chronic pain I have been in all these years, but I can't honestly say that I regret having Lyme. That’s huge!


Lastly, I feel like I have to say that the cathartic model of transformation works WAY, WAY  faster than therapy but it isn’t for everyone. I would not even recommend it for most people with Complex PTSD, despite the fact that it worked well for me. I think you have to come into the work with a high degree of motivation. I think you have to be utterly sick of being imprisoned by your past experience and willing to do anything to break out of that jail. I say this because the work is not as pretty as the results and essentially, every wheel will fall off before you can begin to put yourself back together. There’s everything to gain though.


This summer, with a couple of regular clients out of town, I have space in my calendar for sessions with anyone who is curious about Cathartic or Transformation work.  If that’s you, DM me. I love you, keep going! 

When I was little I remember hearing over and over again “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” That felt infuriating to me. Why in the world would anyone want a piece of cake that they couldn’t eat, I wondered. 

Later, in high school I submitted my worksheet for the yearbook blurb quoting Courtney Love: “I want to be the girl with the most cake.” An advisor gently discouraged this, saying it sounded competitive and maybe a little greedy. Perhaps, I could choose a quote that was from a classic author, instead of the lead singer of Hole. 😂

Isn’t it so interesting how early the messaging comes in that we shouldn’t want what we want? It’s drilled into our minds in our formative years and then carried through for the rest of our lives if we don’t know how to reverse it. Via subtle shaming, we are trained into not wanting at all. 

It’s no wonder so many of us have a hard time even identifying our needs, let alone develop a solid strategy for communicating them. This comes up in my coaching all the time. 

Eff that. You deserve the most cake and a fabulous and fulfilling life of your design. 
Join me on March 11 1p eastern for an online workshop called Identifying Your Needs and Communicating Them With Clarity. This is the sister curriculum to my popular Boundaries workshop. We’ll explore practical and embodied tools that will create immediate shifts in your life. 
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This workshop also has integration via a second Needs Lab scheduled on Tues April 4 at 7p for an opportunity to share how it goes implementing the new skills. 
As always, scholarship tickets are available and you can self-select that option if you are in need with no questions asked.