When I was little I remember hearing over and over again “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” That felt infuriating to me. Why in the world would anyone want a piece of cake that they couldn’t eat, I wondered.
Later, in high school I submitted my worksheet for the yearbook blurb quoting Courtney Love: “I want to be the girl with the most cake.” An advisor gently discouraged this, saying it sounded competitive and maybe a little greedy. Perhaps, I could choose a quote that was from a classic author, instead of the lead singer of Hole. 😂
Isn’t it so interesting how early the messaging comes in that we shouldn’t want what we want? It’s drilled into our minds in our formative years and then carried through for the rest of our lives if we don’t know how to reverse it. Via subtle shaming, we are trained into not wanting at all.
It’s no wonder so many of us have a hard time even identifying our needs, let alone develop a solid strategy for communicating them. This comes up in my coaching all the time.
Eff that. You deserve the most cake and a fabulous and fulfilling life of your design.
Join me on March 11 1p eastern for an online workshop called Identifying Your Needs and Communicating Them With Clarity. This is the sister curriculum to my popular Boundaries workshop. We’ll explore practical and embodied tools that will create immediate shifts in your life.
This workshop also has integration via a second Needs Lab scheduled on Tues April 4 at 7p for an opportunity to share how it goes implementing the new skills.
As always, scholarship tickets are available and you can self-select that option if you are in need with no questions asked.
Setting A Boundary For A Yoga Teacher
I had to set a firm boundary for a yoga teacher recently.
At the end of December I hurt my neck in a fall so when I go to yoga I’ve been arriving early to set up wayyy in the back corner. I like to use a lot of blankets and blocks including the wall for support. I modify postures quite a bit so I can do what serves my body. Most teachers welcome this as an authentic expression of yoga philosophy.
This studio I go to has one perfect little space behind the back row, near where they keep the props. I was happily practicing in my little cocoon, until inexplicably the teacher started calling attention to me. At one point, he had the entire class turn 180 degrees around to look at me. Then, I started to count the amount of times he said “Dee” and it felt super strange when I realized by the time the class was over we’d hit 20+ times.
I stayed behind afterwards to chat with him. I let him know that it made me uncomfortable in my body. The level of attention was unwelcome and not in service to my healing.
I also let him know that I love his class, however my request was that next time, he not call my name out loud again.
I was clear and direct. I didn’t try to make him wrong, I simply focused on what I was feeling and what I needed him to change in his behavior in order for me to continue showing up to his class.
I did not require an apology, though he graciously offered one along with his word that it wouldn’t happen again. I walked away from the conversation feeling clear and complete and willing to try his class again.
We’ve been conditioned that these types of conversations are confrontational, but it doesn’t have to be. Setting boundaries is hard work, but we have everything to gain by being able to communicate our expectations to others effectively.
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#healthyboundaries #boundaries #transformyourlife #yoga #yogastudios
Let's Talk About Boundaries
Everyone’s had the experience of a close talker, right? You know the twinge in the belly or the tightening in your muscles when someone has invaded your personal space. That’s energetic contraction.
Have you noticed, though, how it can depend on the person? At times, if we are resonating with a particular human’s vibration, we might feel a warmth across the skin, telling us that we don’t mind at all if they move into a cozier distance. That’s energetic expansion.
NYC subways are a great place to experiment with that.
This energetic dynamic plays out in every aspect of our lives. Our bodies responds in subtle ways as people interact with us, and that gives us the first clue as to what is acceptable and what is not.
We are responsible to create clear guidelines for the ways in which others behave around us. Including how close they come to our physical proximity. The first step, in my view, is for us to attune to the physical signals that let us know when enough is enough.
I will be teaching a workshop in Pelham NY on Saturday Feb 11 at 1pm Setting Healthy Boundaries and Communicating with Compassion.
We’ll be working with this from an embodied perspective. I’m really excited to share this info, hope to see you there.
Response to My Last Post
Wow Wow Wow! I’m at a loss for words about my experience yesterday. After my juicy and vulnerable post my DM’s started filling up within minutes.
I’m so moved, not only by your support of my path, which was offered in abundance… but also the stories that were shared about your paths and the ways in which YOU have felt different and marginalized when it comes to s e x u a l i t y and relationships!
Many of you thanked me for what I shared because it made you feel safer to share your authenticity with me. Yes, I’m crying.
I shared my feelings of wonderment with a dear and wise sister. She said to me “Everyone is waiting for someone else to go first.”
That’s feels SO true and trust that I don’t mind blazing this trail.
I spent a few hours sending links to those of you who liked the post or messaged.
If I missed you somehow and you want to follow me there, please send a private message or comment below.
Lastly, in response to a couple of your questions on what kind of content to expect — my intention there is the same as my intention here. To inspire you to live your most authentic and fulfilled life possible. Love you!
Juicy and Vulnerable Share
JUICY AND VULNERABLE SHARE
I’m SO inspired by the response to my last post about my custom-tailored partnership. I’m feeling excited that so many of you reached out with words of support or genuine personal curiosity about my relationship.
As rebellious and irreverent as you might think I am, I’ve fretted over the revelation around non-monogamy for years. I know many of you in narrow contexts and I didn’t have a read on how it might land with everyone. I’m happy to report that if any folks were clutching their pearls in horror, they at least remained silent. Phew.
On a related note, there’s something else that I’ve largely kept out of public awareness. I have a much edgier side to my being that’s been coming much more alive and central in the last couple of years.
In fact, for the last 15! years I’ve been deep diving in the study of various lineages of classic and neo-tantra, sacred s e x u a l i t y, pleasure positivity, body image, intimacy, relationships, sensual body work, and even power exchange, costuming and roleplay as a healing modalities. The power of this work is immense and Im SO proud of what I practice.
I’ve kept that part of my life mostly out of mainstream awareness simply due to the fact I was a black, widowed, single mom raising kids in an mostly white, affluent, very buttoned up and highly gossipy suburb. No additional challenges with the way I was perceived there felt welcome, so I simply hid in plain sight and waited it out.
The kids are now grown and I’m in the midst of my personal rebirth!
I am aware that s e x u a l i t y content, however valuable, isn’t for everyone, so I have separate FB and IG accounts for that.
I’m going to be spending more time on those accounts this year as I slowly pivot my healing work to this field full time.
If you would like access to my additional accounts you can either heart this post or send me a private message. “Other me” will add you.
This Dee Yergo account will remain unchanged and I’ll continue to post the mainstream stuff I do here too.
Sending you so much love and gratitude.
In early November, I wrote this post on social media about my relationship and our decision to live separately for a period of time as a conscious choice. You’ll see from the public comments that many felt inspired by my expression of relationship freedom.
In private messages, I curiously received some well-intentioned notes of condolences from people who skimmed the post and missed its essence.
Then, out of the shadows, came an accusation and admonishment that I was OVERSHARING.
I’ve been pondering that one ever since.
The idea of “not airing our dirty laundry” might be an empowering decision IF we were coming from a clear and sovereign place of uninfluenced choice.
And of course, there are certain times and spaces where sharing the intimate details of one’s life can be socially inappropriate. I can appreciate why you may want to keep your private life out of the conversation at the parent-teacher conference. Sure!
What I see though, is that a lot of the time, there’s discomfort and shame around “real talk,” especially if it is about our emotions. Have you ever lied and said you are fine, when someone asks how you are?
We are unconsciously adhering to what I feel is a dangerous and disempowering societal construct.
Why dangerous? Simply put, across history, people with more access to privilege have overtly and covertly silenced those with less privilege. Think about the old-school rule that it is impolite to divulge how much money we make at our jobs. And now, think about how that provides the conditions for men to continue to make more money than women for the same work. This is how problems like abuse, racism, inequality, and many other ills of society are able to thrive.
Why disempowering? I think often about a community I lived in for 20 years that was affluent, highly educated and achievement-focused. Competition and keeping up with the Jones’ was the norm. On a regular basis, I witnessed people experiencing the pain of normal life issues become compounded by the deep shame that they were having any challenge at all.
Take something as common as it is taboo, like divorce. The experience of ending a marriage is stressful enough, but in these environments there seems to be a ubiquitous feeling of loneliness and isolation that is added to the original issue because people are living in fear of how others perceive them.
The sad irony is if they were brave enough to share, they’d likely experience a sense of comfort in hearing that in fact, the Jones’ are in couple’s therapy too. All parties would be able to show up powerfully and supportively, if there wasn’t this judgmental stigma about oversharing.
We could all do our dirty laundry together!
Learning how to live a radically authentic life is courageous and necessary work, my friends. It is a key component to our well-being and ability to feel emotional resonance and connection with others as well as resource support for ourselves.
This type of self-development is the nucleus of my work these days. Oversharing is a focal point within my one on one coaching, the online groups I lead, as well as workshops and retreats that I facilitate.